Me: a lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant. Friend: like what? Me: my name, my address, my phone number...
Royal
When a women removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye. But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum, joke's on him, I have two dads.
What do you call a committee of emo kids? A cutting board!
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
My family is like treasure, you need a map and a shovel to find them.
Student: a plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left? Teacher: 203 Student: how do you put an elephant in the fridge? Teacher: You can't Student: yes you can, open fridge door put elephant in. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Teacher: open door put in giraffe? Student: no, take out elephant put in giraffe. The lion king is having a party, who isn't there? Teacher: let me guess, the lion Student: no the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge. Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how? Teacher: she stepped on the alligators? Student: no the alligators are at the party, Sally dies anyway, how? Teacher: she frowned? Student: no, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white? Michael Jackson
Signs my cousin is going places when he's older: TEST QUESTION: where was the declaration of independence signed? He wrote: at the bottom of the page. Smart kid
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him. “Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.” “Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq...They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck
I have double standards, burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.