To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.
“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”
“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
What is the difference between a brown bear and a polar bear?
About a few thousand miles.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
Michael Jackson.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
What do you call a committee of emo kids?
A cutting board!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.