Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Shower thoughts
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
What do a shopping cart and a wheel chair have in common... they both carry vegetables
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Craps on your organ.
How did you get into the tampon 100?
Pull some strings!
What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe? White vans.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
Why did the slave go to college? To get his master's degree.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you? Your virginity
What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?
The cabbage patch.
What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?
They both get a lot of crack.
Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.