Shower thoughts

Adam and Eve are wondering whether they are black or white. Eve says, "Why don't you go and ask God?"

So Adam goes into the Garden of Eden and shouts out to God, "Are we black or white?" A big booming voice bellows out, "You are what you are."

He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. "How do you know?" asks Eve. "Because he said, 'You are what you are,'" Adam replied. "Why does that mean we are white?" asked Eve. "Because if we were black, He would have said, 'You is what you is.'"

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?

From the mace.

What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?

Sandy Hook survivor.

What's the difference between a black Jew and a white Jew?

The black Jew sits in the back of the oven.

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

How does a woman scare their gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

What do a shopping cart and a wheel chair have in common... they both carry vegetables

What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?

Slick her hair, she looks 15.

What’s worse than spiders on your piano?

Craps on your organ.

How did you get into the tampon 100?

Pull some strings!