Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?
I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
What do you call a fat chick with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?
I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.
Why do gay men hate periods?
They prefer Collins.
What do you call a Chinese assassin?
Chinese takeout.
What do you call a fart in a gay bar?
A mating call.
Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?
They hate it when you hand it to them.
I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny.
Two-faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants!
What do you white people use as pronouns?
Crack/her.
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.
I want my first time to be special.
How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?
He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.
What is the best part about Alabama prostitutes?
Family comes first.
What does a bridge and a fat chick have in common They both get laid by Mexicans
How do you get a white girl to suck your dick?
Put ranch dressing on it.
What was Hitler's favorite thing to do to pass the time?
Smoking.
What is the most common crime in Asia?
Identity fraud.
What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?
They’re both in my bed.