This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Shower thoughts
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
What do lesbians do while having their period?
They finger paint.
A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.
A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note, I suck at darts.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question, feminists don't change anything.
Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?
Because no one’s looking for them.
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, you can hear the chair screaming.
What does the + sign stand for in LGBTQ+?
It’s the premium version of gay.
I think fat people took the Hunger Games a little too seriously.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
Fat people are the reason we have double doors.
What do you call someone in a wheelchair during a California fire?
A steamed vegetable.