Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?
Pretty nuts!
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, flags big plus.
Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing with the bent one.
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
What makes an ISIS joke funny?
The execution.
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.
And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?
She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"
To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"
What do lesbians do while having their period?
They finger paint.
A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.
A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.