Shower thoughts

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My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like dad what are you doing? I said don’t worry you’ll be doing it soon. He said why is that? I told him my arm is getting tired.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"