Why did the guy's birthday party stink?
Because he was turning farty!
Lostin Flowers
@lostinflowers
Now defunct profile on a dying site.
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
A grasshopper jumps into a bar.
The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
Could a parking garage also be called a broom closet?
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...
... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"Have you taken a bath?"
"No. Why, did one go missing?"
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!
"Sir, I'm afraid your son can't attend our swimming lessons anymore."
"Why not?"
"He keeps peeing in the pool."
"Well, all kids pee in the pool."
"Not from the diving board!"
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
"Sir, in court, all your answers must be oral, okay?"
"Ok."
"What town did you grow up in?"
"Oral."
Why did the carrots laugh?
They saw Mrs. Green Pea over the fence.
What do you call Tarzan when he swings through the trees backwards?
Nazrat.
How did the burglar get into my house?
Intruder window.
Why were ET's eyes so big?
Because he saw the phone bill.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."