Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
ππ¨π¬ππ’π§ π π₯π¨π°ππ«π¬
Does it look like I give a fuck
D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.
Waiter: "here you go, one medium-rare steak".
Me: "I like it well done."
Waiter: "thanks, that means a lot."
I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.
Neil before me.
My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W. H. O.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face!
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...
Then IT hit me.
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...
... And pulled a mussel
Knock! Knock!
Whoβs there?
Control Freak.
Con...
OK, now you say, βControl Freak who?β
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!
Singing in the shower is fun, until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast!
What kind of birds stick together?
Vel-crows
