What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
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Does it look like I give a fuck
D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.
Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.
Why is a wet pavement like playing music?
If you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son,you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honoured, I'm Dad."
Two wind turbines where standing on a hill.
One asks "what's your favourite type of music?"
The other one says "I'm a big metal fan."
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
Could a phone booth also be called a chatterbox?
What has eyes but can't see?
Potatoes, storms and needles.
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A head-banger.
Did you know that new Teslas don't come with the new car smell?
The come with an Elon Musk.
What does a bouncy airplane sound like?
Boeing Boeing Boeing...
Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
'I built a big house for our mum,' said the first.
'I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,' said the second.
And the third smiled and said, 'I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.'
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
'The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.'
To the second son she said, 'I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.'
To the third son she wrote 'Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!'
What is a briefcase?
A short lawsuit.
If all your clothes where stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?
I don't know! I don't care!
What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon
"Oh waiter! Waiter!"
"Yes sir?"
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Why yes"
"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"
Post your jokes in the comments below β¬οΈβ¬οΈβ¬οΈ
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But catscan
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.
