LoserIsPro

IM THE DICE PRO dont believ me? Check my memes

Registered on 1/9/2023 · 21 followers

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When ur born on 4/20/69

when you’re 34, it’ll be 420 months before u turn 69 yrs old

dumb person: wat idk mean

person 1: I don’t know

dumb one: oh u don’t know okie I ask googol

person 1: wait idk means-

dumb one (to googol): WAT DOS IDK MANNN

googol: I don’t know

dumb one: OH ME GOOOD EVEN GOGLO DOESYN KNOWWW

what is BK but g.ay

Bgay

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 ONEted TWO bring THREE knives FOUR surFIVEal, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hEIGHTed him, and didn’t have beNINE inTENtions.

Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense.

37. After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting... "Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!" Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time".

38. An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

39. A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?" The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes!" "Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?" "Didn't know how fast you could walk".

40. A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife. Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?" Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him." Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason." Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband. Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?" The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?"

31. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

32. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow. The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it." "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow. "Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

33. Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. “I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. “I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home. “I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

34. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

35. After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.

36. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."

me: hey siri, did you know Candice died?

Siri: yes I was informed she died from sugondese

me: wat is dat?

Siri: sugondese nuts

you’re so fat

that ur family moved to the other side of the U.S.A., but they still see u

you’re so fat

that when u sit on the toilet

it says

“A B C D E F G, get ur butt off of me”

you so fat

when you stepped on the scale

Buzz Lightyear came out and said

“to INFINITY and beyond”

the earth used to be flat

till they buried yo mama

yo mama so ugly

they won’t give her a vaccine so she can keep wearing her mask

yo mama so ugly

my screen cracked when she took her photo

yo mama so fat

she fell off BOTH side of the bed

yo mama so old

her memory is black and white

yo mama so stupid

she thought DUNKIN DONUTS was a basketball team

another 10 jokes in 1! PT 3

21. My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. He wanted them to paint his porch. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche.

22. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

23. My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem." Me: "Ship her home." Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money." Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."

24. Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!" "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?", the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"

25. A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

26. Mother's Day. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

27. I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. My cousin replied, "Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!"

28. "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

29. A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern. Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

30. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

another 10 jokes in 1!

11. A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"  The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..." 12. My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long. 13. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.  A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?” 14. One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose. “Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked. “I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied. “What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!” Carl replied, “There was in this one!” 15. My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. It's my way or the Huawei. 16. A guy asks a lawyer about his fees. “I charge $50 for three questions”, the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?”, the guy asks. “Yes, I suppose so”, the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?” 17. For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line. 18. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.  The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.  For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." 19. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't," he replied. 20. Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts..." Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt?" Patient: "Right around the entrance." Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt."