I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.
Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.