"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."
Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.
How do flat-earthers travel?
On a plane.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.