What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
Why did the cellphone get glasses? Because it lost its contacts!
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."
Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.
How do flat-earthers travel?
On a plane.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.