Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
GG Miller
@ggmiller
If you're feeling depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? - Everywhere.
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
What's the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you ...”
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.