Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
GG Miller
@ggmiller
If you're feeling depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
What’s better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?
Walking.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.
What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?
The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.
What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in your dirty laundry!
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
"F*ck off! You won’t bring it back."
I dated a girl, and I didn’t know she was previously in an abusive relationship.
I thought she just REALLY hated high-fives.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims – they went 89 stories in ten seconds.
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
What time would it be if Godzilla came to school? Time to run!
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school? Because her students were so bright.
Which school supply is king of the classroom? A ruler.