Worst Jokes Ever

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

How do you measure the circumference of Uranus?

By the rings around it.

What do you call a group of masturbating cows?

Beef stroganoff.

Roses are black, violets are black.

I’m colorblind.

How does a tree get online? They log in.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

I heard they're making a film about Jimmy Savile, it's a very touchy subject.

I heard the film about is so boring it puts you to sleep.

Why was the pregnant cow mad all the time? It wasn’t in for the moo-d.

A retard walks into a bar.

Bartender: Hey, retard retard retard retard retard retard retard retard retard retard retard!

Thank you for listening to joke, sincerely - Jokeman87848584

What do you call a man with rubber toes??

Roberto

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Gun. Gun who?

Yo' mama sometimes always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: "Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I can't eat clam chowder no more. I gotta see the cyborg menu, you understand?"

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?

S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Why did Johnny cry?

He was molested by his sister. Johnny enjoyed it, though.

Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"

Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"

Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)

I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.

Ines.

I went into a forest with my sharp laptop with F13. Now I'm a real HACKER.