Worst Jokes Ever
What do you call my dick?
A. A monster.
My friend asked me to round up here 37 sheep.
I said “40.”
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack.
Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost.
So as they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a gun as well!"
The guy was confused but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For the France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started shooting and laughing like a mad man and said. 3 men lived through this and one said to the others, "Well...sh!# that didn't go as planned."
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
Maude of ghostposter is a dumb Christian pussy-ass bitch. She's so fucking squeamish it's hilarious, although I hate her.
You're gay, lol.
What did the cow call its own life? An udder mistake.
I was gonna tell you a great pun, but it's too cheesy.
If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!
Why do cannibals not like to eat clowns?
Cause they taste funny!
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!
You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.
But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"
Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.
In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."
Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...
What's wrong with my friend?
He's called Dobby Coleman and has a massive jaw.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
No? Neither did he.
Can orphans go to a family restaurant?
My blind friend got ran over by a parked car.