A rich man and a poor man are talking about anniversaries. The rich man got his wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring. He says if the wife does not like the ring, she can take the Mercedes and leave.
The poor man said he got his wife slippers and a dildo. He says if his wife does not like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
So, Dad is teaching his 8-year-old son about the planets and said, "This is Uranus." Then the 5-year-old son says, "Where is my anus?"
It was just a big hunter killer drone.
Why is NASA so sus?
'Cause they wanted to see Uranus.
You know who deserves a medal? The guy who killed Hitler.
Lesson in laziness number 136894236842: don't be too lazy to read large numbers.
Why do fat people like food?
The more the merrier.
What is a disabled person's least favorite song?
"I'm Still Standing."
Why do most orphans rob banks?
Because they just want to feel wanted.
I was going to tell a joke about a mirror, but it seems that I'm looking at one.
Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.
After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.
You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.
Orphans actually have an advantage. Nobody can call them motherless or test-tube babies in an argument.
What is Saturn's favorite day?
Saturday!
"Osama bin Laden playing MW2 Air Strike inbound."
How do you turn a hairy man into a feminist?
Just take out his brain and there you go!
What do you get when you put an ape's brain in a gorilla? A feminist!
How are feminists different from gorillas? At least gorillas don't abort their own children.
