Twos jokes
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
Two whales went to a bar.
The first whale said, "oooooooohhhhhh." The second whale said, "Greg, I think you're drunk, let's go home."
So, two cats, one English (named "One Two Three Cat") and one French (named "Un Deux Trois Cat"), are walking through a forest and come across a river. To have a little fun, they decide to have a race across the river.
One Two Three Cat swam across, and when he finished the race, he looked behind him. "Un Deux Trois Cat" was nowhere to be seen. So "One Two Three Cat" figured that "Un Deux Trois Cat" sank.
Two Asians walked into a strip club and they went to a cashier. They put in their names: her name was He Gay and his name was Shi A Ho.
If two people who have the clap sleep together, did they make an applause?
What do you call a knight that has one arm? A first battle night.
What do you call a knight that lost both arms? A two battle useless knight.
What's 9 divided by 11?
Well, I know it's less than two alright!
What instrument do a pair of sheep play? The two-baaaa.
Two people were on a boat. They were afloat on water!
What do you call two bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?
What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?
A Catholic priest.
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Two gay lovers find out they are brothers.
When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)