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My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

I told my dad that I’m gay. He replied, “No, you're retarded.” Then he went off to kiss a baby.

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    • Mom: It's time for sleep.

    Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

    Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

    Baby: Nice try, hobo.

    Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

    *few hours later*

    Baby: *still awake*

    Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

    Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

    My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

    I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

    I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

    I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

    Once I told an abortion joke and this woman was like, "I've had an abortion, that's offensive." And I was like, "I just tell jokes, I think what you do is much worse."

    Your mom said I was ugly. I told her she couldn’t see her belly button because she was so fat. She said, “I thought I was the only one without one!”

    My sister said download "Among Us" on my iPad, so I did. Then she taught me to play. Then she told me a code and told me where to put it, and I typed in the code.

    Then she was the imposter, and I was a crewmate, so I was sticking with her, and she killed me when we made it to the medbay.

    I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.

    "This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."

    "This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."

    I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!

    My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

    A boi found a magic vase and a genie came out and told him he had one wish. The boy said, "I wanna be like Batman." The genie said, "OK, your wish is granted."

    The boy came home later that day and his parents were dead.

    I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

    When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

    My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

    I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

    How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

    He CRACKed up.