The jokes

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Why was the chicken screaming?

He had an egg stuck in his butt.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

What are orphans' least favorite movie?

The Promised Neverland.

One thing is for sure, the victims from 9/11 died warm.

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

I'm emo, by the way.

What did Nemo say to the emo?

"Be careful, you can't Nemo your way out of emo."

I went to the super market one day and I saw a Caesar salad for 69 dollars. Next minute someone comes up to me and says, "Caesar deez nutz!"

What thing can jump the highest?

Emo kids, some of them are still in the air.

I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.

What is the worst thing to do at a funeral?

The corpse.

You know the Twin Towers employees were supposed to meet a good football team. Instead, they just met the Jets.

So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.

Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.

Anyways, she cried lol.

What did the South Tower say to the North Tower?

Who is buried in the tomb of Alexander the Grape?

Alexander the raisin.

Your lips are so big, it turns the Grand Canyon sideways.

Did you hear about the baseball game between America and Ethiopia?

America - 8

Ethiopia - didn't.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"