The jokes

I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.

I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.

What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.

Your friend is so fat, when he took the group pic, he was the background.

What did the lettuce say when she is popping the champagne?

Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?

Because he was about to kick the cabinet.

What's the difference between Lana Del Rey and Milli Vanilli?

Milli Vanilli won a Grammy.

Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.

What did the doctor say to the Chinese man?

"Some ting wong."

Your mama's so fat when she sat on the toilet, the toilet said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, get your fat ass off of me!"

Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"

What's the difference between parents and a boomerang?

The boomerang comes back from the store with milk.

Why did the skeleton die from laughter?

'Cause they broke all his "funny bones!"

What's the difference between Kanye West and an orphan?

Kanye West has parents.

Why did the orphan live at school?

Because on the first day his parents didn’t pick him up.

Things we all do:

Call the Royal blue tang fish the "Dory fish," and the Clownfish "Nemo fish"! 🤣

I do this too often!

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.

“Come again!” says the woman behind the desk.

“No, it’s curry this time.”

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

What's the difference between Paul Walker's car and a petite white girl?

There is no difference.

They both got split open by a huge log.