The jokes
When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
A penguin and a polar bear are sitting in a bathtub. The penguin asks the polar bear, "Hey, can you pass the soap?" The polar bear obliges.
A few moments later, the penguin asks, "Hey, can you pass the scrubber?" The polar bear does. Shortly after that, the penguin says, "Hey, can you pass the rubber ducky?"
The polar bear, beginning to become upset, turns to the penguin and says, "What do you think I am? A radio?!"
Why did the golfer change his pants?
Because he got a hole in one!
Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!
What's the difference between school and Hell?
There is no difference.
What is the biggest lie ever?
"I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions."
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
Your mum is so fat, when I was driving I had to swerve to avoid [her]. By the time I had finished, I had ran out of gas.
"Apple bottom cringe boots with the kek (with the kek) got the whole club looking at Shrek."
Q: What is the favorite song of the people who window dived out of the Twin Towers?
A: "Free Fallin'"
Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.
Me: I have depression.
Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!
Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,
Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"
[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.