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The jokes

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

Did you know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders on the car dashboard.

I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.

Who are the world's fastest readers?

9/11 victims; they went through 91 stories in 11 seconds.

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

What's the difference between the Queen's death and Princess Diana's death? The Queen died in peace, not pieces.

What does the plane that hit the Twin Towers and milk have in common?

My dad went to get both and never came back.

So here's the joke. A bear walks into a bar and sits down and then....then..........then................................zzzz

I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and McDonald's?

One's a drive-through and one's a fly-through.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

The orphan was playing baseball. He hit a home run. His coach told him to run home. He couldn't find it.

What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt finished the races.