The jokes
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
Queen Elizabeth died a couple weeks ago. I'm still trying to find the reboot catd.
A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.
At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."
What makes Squidward and a Quandale Dingle the same?
They both got them big parts.
Kill yourself in anyway. I'm doing it the HIGHway.
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.
I donated a computer to the orphanage...
It didn’t have a motherboard.
Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.
What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?
I don't eat burritos.
I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.
Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.
When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.
How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?
About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.
The woman had a dick, lol, it's your mom ahahahahahaha, yeah YOU! Jhon man! In New York City I am on to you! I will be under your bed tonight lol get a bodyguard!
I'm always hanging in there.
Hanging on the wall.
Teacher: "Ok class, what animal jumps the highest?"
Kid: "A leopard."
Quiet kid: "No, it's emo kids. Some of them are still in the air."
Kid: "Broooooooooooo."
What is the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?
An iPhone has a button to go home.
Why did my dad cross the road?
To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.
Who are the world's fastest readers?
The 9/11 suicide jumpers, they went through 110 stories in 5 seconds. Sorry.
Grandma: You guy's generation is on too much technology.
Kid: Well, you're the ones that raised us.
Other family members: ...
We don't joke about orphans unless they have family. Then we assassinate the family.