The jokes
So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.
The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"
Seeing so many balding college students is so sad. Like, why the fuck is your hairline graduating before you?!?
If the USA is so good,
Why did they make a USB?
I've started playing the triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual.
I just stand at the back and ting.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Chris said to me in P.E. that he likes Jacob, and he said he wants to go straight to the bedroom.
It's still depression, by the way.
Why did Jesus create the Devil?
He didn't recognize himself through the time portal.
I'm the second worst thing to happen to those orphans.
Anne Frank is still the Nazi hide-and-go-seek champion.
What's the difference between an orphan and cotton?
One gets picked.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a razor blade?
A: Depends on which wound bleeds faster.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit."
African Kid: "Mom, can we have water?"
Mom: "Sure, it's in the house."
African Kid: *Goes to the fridge and opens the door searching for cold water*
The fridge: ERROR 404 Water Not Found
This isn't a joke, but I'm a survivor and use humor to cope. I find these extremely funny, so please leave the people writing these alone 😭
Why are there 30 bullets in one clip?
Because that's the average classroom size.
What does the "f" stand for in orphan?
Family.
What does the "W" stand for in Africa?
Water.