The jokes
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Beauty is only skin deep... but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices.
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight, not your phone number.”
I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital.
Just to test their patients.
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What did the eagle say to Obama?
He said: "Joe Mama!"
I got an iPhone 14 for my brother? That was the best trade I ever made.
Why do orphans dip their Oreos in water?
Because the dad never came with the milk.
A kid came to the orphanage with a dead fish. She was crying.
Why was the kid crying in the orphanage? Because someone came for the fish.
A woman was in the Twin Towers. She orders a pepperoni pizza but got a plane pizza.
I saw a bus the other day with some boy scouts at the back. One of them was having fun getting his knot-tying badge.
Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call dad. 🤣
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.
They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple has a family tree.
When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat.
I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.
These two guys were texting each other.
Guy 1: How are you?
Guy 2: I’m great. The weather is lovely here. Guy 2: *sends picture of a flying spring*
Guy 1: ???
Guy 2: Springs in the air. :)