The jokes
The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
Y'all heard of Poptarts, eh?
Well why are there no Momtarts?
Because of the PASTRYarchy!
Why do orphans always have the newest iPhone?
Because it doesn’t have a home button.
What's the difference between me and my mate...
I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
Why do orphans cause trouble at school?
So the teachers will call their parents.
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
They drop FIRE TRACKS.
What'd the farmer say when a coyote killed and ate his rooster?
"No, you ate my cock!"
What did the farmer say when he saw his chicken cross the road?
"No, my cock!"
The fool says in his brain, "There is a god."
A disabled kid kept throwing up in class.
So I threw him out the window!
What's the difference between someone with dystonia and someone with misophonia?
One makes the annoying noises, while the other hates the annoying noises.
What do the initials "MAD" stand for?
Mothers Against Democrats.
Why did the person get fired from the calendar factory?
Because they took a day off.
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
Why was Sonic fast?
To be rolling around at the speed of sound, got places to go, gotta follow my lead.
With the sentence "Die in Hölle," you can buy shoes in Germany.