The jokes
A rich man and a poor man are talking about anniversaries. The rich man got his wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring. He says if the wife does not like the ring, she can take the Mercedes and leave.
The poor man said he got his wife slippers and a dildo. He says if his wife does not like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
So, Dad is teaching his 8-year-old son about the planets and said, "This is Uranus." Then the 5-year-old son says, "Where is my anus?"
You know who deserves a medal? The guy who killed Hitler.
Why couldn't the orphan go on the school field trip?
Because it required a parent's signature.
Yo hairline was used as the blueprint for the Great Wall of China.
After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.
You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.
Your hairline is like the universe. It's still waiting to be discovered.
The best football game was the Jets against the Twin Towers.
Q: What's the difference between a prison and a concentration camp?
A: At least you don't die when you shower.
There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"
The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Your mom is so fat when she skipped a meal, the whole stock market crashed.
Your mom is so fat she tripped, and I didn’t even laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
Saw that shit on Roblox.
Q: Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?
A: Because it has better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.
Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"
John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"
A grasshopper tries playing cricket. It failed and got eaten by the bat.
What did one orphan say to the other orphan?
"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"
What did the acute triangle say to the obtuse triangle?
Nothing, triangles can't talk.
what's the difference between morbid humor & dark humor?
dark humor fits 10 people in 1 container.
morbid humor fits 1 person on ten containers.
Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they got excited and asked if I could drive a B-52.