The jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be the dolphin, you can be the jellyfish.

Question: What is the BIG ADVANTAGE to going out on a date with a "Homeless Chic"?

Answer: After the date, you can "Drop Her Off" ANYWHERE!

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

Pete the panther was racing a cheetah but lost. The cheetah said, "You can’t beat me, I’m a cheetah." Pete said, "Yeah, you are a cheetah cheetah."

Your hairline is so big, Niagara Falls said, "Oh, looks like we've got some competition!"

There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?

A pentagon.

What do emos and apples have in common? They both hang from trees.

How to fall down the stairs:

Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.

Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.

But why is 10 scared? Because he is in the middle of 9/11.

I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.

Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?

What's the difference between an emo and a banana?

They both hang like apples.

A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.

The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”

The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”

A snake walks into the bar... the bartender says, "How the heck did you do that?"

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved a battery up her butt and said, "I GOT THE POWER!"

Did you hear that the cameraman got arrested? He shot a film.

I went to the zoo the other day and it only had one dog... yeah, it was a shih tzu.

Mom, where are we going?

To your grandma's funeral.

Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.

What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?

Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.