The jokes
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.