The jokes

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

What's the fastest cake? Scone!

Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?

A: It did not want to get stuck in a crack.

The other day a man with some cheese and milk attacked me... how dairy!

I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.

1-2-..... and he left without a trace.

The fact that "Hawkins" rhymes with "walking" and "talking," yet he could never do any of them.

He went too far away from the wall, and he got unplugged.

What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?

Barack Obama.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.

Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?

Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.

What's the difference between a chicken and a dog?

I don't know... I'm from China.

I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a car in my garage.

I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.

When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.

He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"