The jokes
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
Cancer jokes really grow on you--unlike the patients' hair.
This is really mean...
A man put a blind man in a circular room and said, "Your dinner's in the corner."
He died because he rolled too far away from the wall outlet and got unplugged.
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.
Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.
Why did the chicken ride across town? Because he was being taken to Tyson.
Did you hear about the needle and thread shop?
Never mind, it was needle-ess.
Why did the lion lose the race? Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Why is there AC in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?
Because then they would be called bagels! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You know what the yin and yang looked like before Martin Luther King Jr.?
There was none, it was all white!
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the street?
Because it got stuck in a crack :)
I went to the market to get eggs, and my sister thought that I meant my balls.
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.
He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”
The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
Answer: The table part.
Boy, you look like the fake Chief Keef!
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."