The jokes
Someone asked me where to find de wae?
I replied with: Oh, de wea, that's a shop. It's down the road.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
The lunch lady gave me only one carrot. I didn't carrot all.
What did the man's dick say to the man?
I just can't "hand"le it!
Where did Sally go after the explosion?
Everywhere.
What’s the difference between women and condoms?
There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snow balls.
Why did the bike fall over?
It was too tired.
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?
Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...
Do you know what the similarity between a penis and cucumber is?
They both have cum in it.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up?
She had no friends.
Knock Knock (Who's there?)
Not Sally...
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's the difference between a sports car and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a sports car in my garage.
Why is Stephen Hawking in hell?
He couldn't get his wheelchair up the stairway to heaven.