The jokes
Why did the Royal Wedding get more publicity than the SantaFe school shooting?
'Cause Royal Weddings don't happen every week.
What is the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?
Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and 100 dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
The granddaughter wanted to see granny. She killed herself.
What's the difference between a baby and putty?
You can only eat one.
Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!
Yo mama so stupid!
She bought a spoon... TO THE SUPERBOWL!
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?
What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them, xD.
Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.
Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.
How do you know if a comedian is high?
Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
A man asks to play kick the bucket (not death).
The other man agrees. They go to the top of Mt. Everest. The man who asked ties the bucket to the other one's foot. Then he kicks it off the cliff, which brings the man with it. LOL
THE END
What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?
He became Gatorade.
What happened to the alligator when he held a GPS?
He became a navigator.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!