The jokes
What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?
"Why do people call Americans excessive?"
"It was probably because of WWII."
"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"
The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the fresh recruit on the enemy's side die for his.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.
He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.
My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
How many times does 42 go into 9?
Get in the van to find out.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
Why are birds good at social media?
Because they "tweet" all the time!?
What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?
"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
There's a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run.
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"