The jokes
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor!"
So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
No?
They both got six months.
I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.
I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."
What was the computer's best pickup line?
Nice bits!
What did the two paintings say after a long battle?
Let's call this one a draw.
What did the paintings name their daughter?
Palette.
Why did the cumulonimbus not show up for work?
Because it was on strike.
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it didn't want to be argon.
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it had its ion someone else.
Q: Why did the two gate-builders start fighting?
A: Because they were fencing.
Q: Why did the fault line start acting crazy?
A: Because it was on crack.
Do the French people smoke weed or oui'd?
You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.
What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.
Why did the first fence hate the other fence?
The second fence used some of-fensive language.
What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.