The jokes
One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"
Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.
Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.
What did the icicle say to the snow?
"Why do you have to be so soft?"
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
There was an oil spill in the ocean. Now the ocean can't see!
What did the whale say?
Nothing!
It just wailed.
"I created the Human Torch."
I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.
So you get a new job, and here's something about this guy named Mike.
The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY *clap clap clap clap*."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
Why was the washing machine laughing?
It was taking the piss out of the knickers!
I have a lot of eggcellent egg puns, get the yolk... Oh come on, don't be hard-boiled!
What’s the best part about having sex with 23 year olds... there’s 20 of them.
There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.
One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.
One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.
The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"
Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."
We spend the weekend getting the poop out!
Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?
Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.
Guy 1: Don't you?
Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.
Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#
**Meow...**
Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3
Q: Why did the flat earther become gay?
A: He knows a thing or two about giving dome.
Q: Why did he eventually become asexual?
A: He doesn't believe in anything south of the border.
How do bees get to school?
They take the buzz.