The jokes
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
The mother and her daughter went to the store. After they arrived, the daughter looked around and ran off somewhere. The mother realized this and took off looking for her. After a while, she found her tugging on a black man. The mother asked, "What are you doing?" and the daughter replied, "I wan't the chocolate!"
Timmy has 5 apples.
His train is 7 minutes early.
Calculate the mass of the sun.
What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.
Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-
Me: Lower lips.
Friend: I gotta go.
Stephen could not click the "I'm not a robot" button, so I guess he is fucked.
Why did I walk across the road?
To get hit by a car.
I was baking a cake when I saw some egg shell in the mix. I said, "You've got to be yolking me!"
Why does the disabled person scrunch his toilet paper up? Because that’s the way he rolls.
What are the kids addicted to these days? Juulius Caesar (Juuls).
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
Cremation, the last chance to have a smoking hot body.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
Why couldn't the man get out of the maize maze?
He got corn-ered!
Why did the dog cross the road?
It didn't. Got hit by a car on the way to the other side.
Why can you never find a virgin cow on a field with no bulls for miles? Just ask the redneck farmer.
What happens when you cross a cow and a redneck?
The redneck fucks the cow.
Why were the people in the Twin Towers sad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.