The jokes
Why did the cow cross the road?
To prove he wasn't a chicken.
A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."
How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?
Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.
What did the pillow say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet!
Why do you pay cash for the metro train in Newcastle upon Tyne?
If Joey Deacon made his own company, it would be called The Joey Deacon Company; Walt Disney should have a run for its money.
P.S. The Joey Deacon Pictures logo would have some autistic people making noises to "When You Wish Upon A Star", with the castle being the Blue Peter ship instead.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
The hooker can wash out her crack and reuse it.
This guy tried to kill me, and I asked, "What is this? Friday the Thirteenth?" Michael replied, "Nah, it's Halloween."
There was a dude, he was like, "Yo dawg, you wanna die?" I said, "What is this, Friday the 13th?"
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.
It means a lot!
Why was the beach salty? Because the land didn't wave back. The ocean then called the land a beach.
Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory!
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu. You get what you deserve!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...
"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"