The jokes
Mom: Go water the plants.
Me: But it’s raining outside.
Mom: Go grab the umbrella.
Me: What???
Did you hear that story "Three Lines in the Sand?" By dickadraggin'.
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."
Déjà Vat: the feeling that you’ve heard that bad joke before.
What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
Your looking sharp!
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
What is a retard's favorite race? The grand autismo.
Me: I fucked your mom.
Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.
Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?
The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."
How many fat people are in my house?
20, counting the kids in the basement.
The Past, Present & Future walked into a bar.
It was tense!
I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.
Why didn't the koala make the finals? It got diskoalafied.
Why did the little boy cry?
He had a frog nailed to his face and stapled to each of his fins. The frogs were his personal molesters.
An assassin threatens a planet.
The planet remains calm.
The assassin: "Do you not realize the gravity of this situation?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the retard's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
What did the substrate say to the active site?
"C'mon baby, we fit together, open my door lock to f**kin' key."
A priest, a pedo, and a rapist walk into a bar and that's just the first guy.