The jokes
An alien walks into a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him, and the alien touches his shoulder.
The man says, "Do that one more time and I'll run you over." The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says, "Do that again and I'll chop your dick off." He touches him again. The man pulls the alien's pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
'Cause it was stapled to the chicken.
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
What's the best part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.
I was going from Germany to Austria, and I accidentally crossed the border illegally. When the police caught me, they told me I was a Nazi. I asked them, "Why?" They said I didn't see the border.
One day a cow ate a fish.
What came out the other side?
A dead fish.
If you don't like the video in 10 seconds, James Charles will sleep with you tonight.
What did the skeleton say when he fell on his funny bone? He laughed!
A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."
"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"
"We're going with Trevor."
"Ok, what if it's a girl?"
"Then we'll have an abortion."
My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."
What did the pirate say to Argon?
Ar!
Where did Johnny go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
What did the cow say to your mom?
Hello.
Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?
A. Neither does R. Kelly.
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds.
How did pioneers name Canada?
They put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled out three. The first one was "C, eh?" The second one was "N, eh?" The last letter was "D, eh?"
That's how they named "C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"
I am the joke.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone!
A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."
Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!