The jokes
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!
What did one male whale say to the other male whale?
"She's gonna blow!"
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
Why didn't the boy want to read "2000 Leagues Under the Sea"?
It was too much pressure.
What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?
Moorry Christmas!
(Even though cows can't really have religions.)
Q: If an electric train heads south, which way does the steam go?
A: No steam.
What did one cat say to the other? Happy "meow"!
What did one nut say to the other nut? "Help!"
The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.
They say I’m sliced like the apples in a kids meal.
Me: I'm sorry, Aaron.
Aaron: Why?
Me: Your parents couldn't be bothered to look past page one in the big book of baby names.
A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.
Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.
What did a car say hi to?
It said hi to the school.
What did Santa say to the rain? Go away!
Why are fire trucks big?
To hang out with the firefighters!
Knock knock. Who's there? Hal. Hal who? Hal will you know if you don't open the door?
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
What's the best way to cure the hiccups? Suicide.
Why did the fish cross the sea?
To get to the other tide! 😂 😂 😂