The jokes
Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?
A. Nothing, they both die at ten.
So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.
Yo mama so fat, she stand on the scale and the scale says: "I want your weight, not your phone number!"
Why did the cow cross the road?
'Cause he wanted to go to a moooooooooooooooooooooooovie.
What is the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? He doesn't walkie or talkie.
The village people said that they need their idiot back; you better get going!
You know what's the worst about having a daughter with cancer?
You can't pull her hair when you hit it from the back.
What did the bee say after the execution? "The criminal has been beeheaded!"
Tyler only has a kid because they don't make condoms the size of Lego Men.
The waiter asked me, "How would you like your steak?"
I replied, "As soon as possible!"
What do sheep wear to the beach?
A baa-kini.
Yo mama so fat, Trump used her like a wall.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Not Susie!"
A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
What goes after the butt?
The POST-erior.
What did the Army soldier say after he got his legs fixed?
Afgan-I-Stand.
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.
What do you call an Afghan in the bath? A bath bomb.
Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.
Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.