The jokes

If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.

Where did the pig go on holiday?

Snout and about.

Have you heard about the tanning Olympics?

Everyone wanted bronze! (This is a lil cringe.)

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

Why did the Russian cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Did you hear about the nurse who couldn’t swim?

She ended up under the doc[tor].

Did you hear about the gay choirboy?

He choked on his first hymn.

What did the man say to his wife, wanna play?

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

Q: Why did the boy not eat the banana?

A: He was scared the juice might come out.

What are the 3 shortest words in the English language?

“Is It In?”

A prostitute walks in the bar, and she goes up to the bartender and says, "I just made $100 and 5¢ sucking dick." The bartender says, "Who gave you the 5¢?" The prostitute says, "They all did!"

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

I was looking forward to some toast...

So I took the toaster in the bath with me.

Why did the orphan call Mr. Smith "daddy"? Because he put her in the vices and taught her a lesson about virginity.

Why did the orphan call her boyfriend "daddy"?

Because she wanted that D.

Which two football teams played in the pirate Superbowl?

The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.

Yesterday we lost a quarter of our roof in the storm, oof.

Dad: What's the difference between an ELEPHANT and a POSTBOX?

Son: I don't know.

Dad: I'd better not trust you with my post then.