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So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.

To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.

One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

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    • In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

    My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.

    Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

    Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

    We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.

    I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.

    One of the most popular documentaries of the 2010’s was “Jiro Dreams of Sushi.”

    One of the least popular documentaries was “Jiro’s Nightmare of Ass-Rape.”

    Two businessmen bought the Milwaukee Bucks for $500 million. They are very excited about their transaction, for this is the only legal way to own black people.

    A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

    For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

    Q: What was the orphan's first phone?

    A: The iPhone X because it had no home button.

    Why did the kid go in the guy's van?

    Answer: He thought he was being adopted.

    This is the true worst joke ever:

    What did the person say to the other guy when he met him?

    Hi!

    Why did the moron throw his clock out the window?

    The clocks reminded him of Richard Clock, the convict who knife-raped his wife.

    When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?