The jokes
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
What do you call a bunch of sheep rolling down the hill?
A. A lamb slide.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to smash and one is a watermelon.
What do you get when the queen farts a noble gas?
What do you get when a dino farts? A blast from the past.
Why are ninja farts so dangerous? They are silent but deadly.
Why couldn't the orphan use his iPhone 6?
He couldn't find the home button.
What do you call a psychic midget in trouble with the law?
A small medium at large.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up a dead baby's ass.
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
What will Reddit be without the robot logo?
Reddot.
What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?
They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.
Uh!!!
The joke is my life.
What do you call a train that stalls?
The little engine that couldn't!
Why did Sarah call off the swing? Because she has no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sarah.
A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."
Why do orphans have dry cereal?
Because they're still waiting on the milk.
Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.
Alfred the Great was arguably the greatest king in England’s history.
The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker.
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.