The jokes

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Uranus? More like urine is gassy! (Uranus is urine, by the way.)

So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"

So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"

Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

Girls with the name Carley have the biggest forehead on the earth, I mean, moon.

What goes white, black, white, black, red?

A zebra falling down the stairs.

Your mom is so fat that she mains Heavy from the game Team Fortress 2!

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.

I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.

Why did the skeleton have no friends?

He was a boner!

Heheheh!

Ah, see ya soon kiddo.

I'm going on break.

I'll give you some fried snow later!

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

Why did the skunk cross the road?

To get to the odor side!

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

Two nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other, "I'm-a cashew!"

Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!