The jokes
My mates threw nuts at the wall, now we call them walnuts.
Hahaha :)
Why did Beyoncé say, "to the left, to the left"?
Because women don't have rights.
China shouldn't play baseball because that would take out the whole world with one bat.
What did the cop say after he shot the ginger?
"I guess orange is the new black."
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad did not beat cancer.
What is the difference between an Orphan and an apple?
Apples get picked.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."
Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, Had some fun. She forgot her pill, And now we have Jonny!
Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love before he died?
A: “Holes gonna be big.”
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pal of water. Me: incorrect, two pals of water, one to refresh from running up a hill and the one you went to get. I’m sick af from these stories.
Ah, son of a bitch, I got the truth stuck on my shoe?!?!
The truth: Breast feeding is like having long sex with your baby. God dammit, I hate the truth!
You're so ugly Bob the Builder cat can fix you.
Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?
A knife has a point.
You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
You're so dumb that every time you use the bathroom, you use your shoe to wipe your ass.