The jokes
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find home.
One day at school, Little Johnny and his friends were asked to do a sheet of paper which said, “Put a matching word from the word bank into the slot in the sentence that makes it make sense.” But when the teacher marked Little Johnny's papers, she asked why he put the word "bank" in every slot. And he says, “Well teacher, you said to put a word from the word bank and that's one word! So I had no choice but to put down that word!”
Yo mama so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh*t out of the toilet.
The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.
What was the worse purchase America ever made?
Spending billions on two rice cookers in 1945.
Couldn't believe how much of a bad mood my work mate was in this morning. So I decided to ask him what was the matter and if everything was OK with his wife, Flo.
He then broke down crying and said when he got home the night before, he caught his wife in bed with the plumber. I tried to console him as best as I could, but he just couldn't get over flow.
What's an orphan's most hated show?
The Fosters.
I met an orphan with a dog yesterday. I chose the dog.
What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Did y'all ever hear about the great thunder crash of September 11th?
What's the food orphans can't eat?
Family-sized ice cream.
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.
So in prep class, the students were asked to write a letter to their grandparents for Grandparents Day.
Little Johnny's friend, Little Sally, wrote things like, "Thank you," and, "You are so nice!" And Little Johnny goes, "What are you doing? You got it wrong!" So Sally says, "What do you mean? It's a letter." Little Johnny says, "Why did you do it like that? Just write a letter from the alphabet like the teacher said!" Then he says, "I wrote a J to remind them of me!"
What do Paul Walker and I have in common? Neither of us have seen Fast and the Furious 7.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Apples get picked.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
What do you call a woman in a fighter jet to the right of the president?
An escort.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
Genders are a lot like the Twin Towers.
There used to be two of them, now it's a sensitive subject.