The jokes
Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"
Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."
When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
What does the drummer call his twins? Anna 1, Anna 2.
Why does the pancake team in baseball always win? Because they have the best batter.
Roses are red, I sniff marijuana, I have five fingers, The middle one is for your vagina.
A man and a boy went into a forest. The boy said he was scared. The man said, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
Kid in 2021: I'm goated at hide and seek.
Anne Frank: I am the hide and seek champion of the world.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
Why did the cow cross the road? To go to the moooooovies! Nyahahahahahahahahaha!
What's the best way to remove gum from hair?
Cancer.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
Me: Okay, Papyrus. I'm no Sherlock Bones, but I'd say that Storyspin Sans is the Imposter.
What is the difference between orphans and apples?
Apples get picked.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."
The "W" in Africa stands for water.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
Q: How do you know there’s a party at Neverland Ranch? A: All the Big Wheels are parked out front.
Q: When do you know it’s over? A: Only one is left.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A. A bird can fly, but a fly cannot bird.