The jokes

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.

Yo mama is so fat that when she jumps, the earth was shaking!

As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.

Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.

When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.

A butt saw the toilet and said, "Shit, I'm sick!"

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

What does a priest and a male homosexual have in common?

They both like to suck a big cock inside the men's locker room at the gym.

A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."

I said to the orphan, "Do you want me to take you to your family? Oh wait..."

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Why did Hitler stop playing Golf?

He kept getting stuck in the Bunker.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

I bet when you were born, the doctor looked away because of your virginity.